11 Things You Shouldn’t Say to an Ex When You’re Dating Someone New

Maintaining a cordial relationship with an ex can be tricky, especially when you’ve moved on and started dating someone new. While there’s nothing inherently wrong with staying friends with a former partner, the conversations you have with them require careful consideration. What you say—and don’t say—can significantly impact your current relationship, your ex’s emotional well-being, and your own journey forward.

Understanding the delicate balance between being friendly and being inappropriate is crucial for anyone navigating the complex territory of ex communication while committed to a new partner. The words we choose carry weight, and certain topics that might seem harmless can actually create unnecessary complications, hurt feelings, or disrespect toward your current relationship.

Why Communication Boundaries with Exes Matter

When you enter a new relationship, your priorities naturally shift. The person who once held the title of your significant other now occupies a different space in your life—if they occupy one at all. This transition requires adjusting how you communicate with them, what you share, and the emotional intimacy you maintain. Setting healthy boundaries isn’t about being cold or distant; it’s about respecting the natural evolution of your relationships and honoring your current partner’s feelings.

Many people struggle with this transition because they want to prove they can maintain mature friendships with exes. While this is admirable, it’s essential to recognize that some conversations simply aren’t appropriate anymore. The intimacy you once shared has boundaries now, and crossing them—even unintentionally—can create problems in your new relationship or give your ex mixed signals about your feelings.

How Your New Relationship Is So Perfect

One of the most insensitive things you can do is gush about how amazing your new relationship is to your ex. While you might be bursting with happiness and want to share your joy with the world, your former partner isn’t the appropriate audience for these celebrations. Bragging about how perfect things are with your current significant other can come across as deliberately hurtful, even if that’s not your intention.

Think about it from their perspective: hearing about how wonderful your new partner is essentially communicates that they weren’t good enough or that you’re happier without them. This comparison, whether explicit or implied, serves no constructive purpose. Your ex doesn’t need to know about the romantic gestures your new partner makes or how well they treat you compared to your past relationship.

If you genuinely want to maintain a friendship with your ex, focus on neutral topics that don’t center around your romantic life. Share updates about your career, hobbies, or mutual interests instead. Save the relationship gushing for your other friends who can genuinely celebrate with you without the emotional baggage.

All The Ways Your New Partner Is Better

Making direct comparisons between your current partner and your ex is not only hurtful but also demonstrates a lack of emotional maturity. When you highlight all the ways your new significant other outshines your former one, you’re essentially rubbing salt in old wounds. These comparisons suggest that you view your ex as inadequate or as a benchmark that others need to surpass.

Every relationship is unique, with its own strengths and challenges. What works in your current relationship might not have worked in your previous one, and that’s okay. There’s no need to create a scorecard or make your ex feel like they failed some sort of test. This behavior also reflects poorly on you, suggesting that you might speak negatively about your current partner to future exes if this relationship doesn’t work out.

Instead of making comparisons, if you must discuss your new relationship with your ex, keep things general and respectful. You can acknowledge that you’re happy without detailing every way your new partner exceeds your ex’s efforts or qualities.

Details About Your Current Sex Life

Discussing intimate details about your current sexual relationship with your ex crosses a major boundary that should never be violated. This topic is not only inappropriate but also disrespectful to both your current partner and your ex. Your sex life is a private matter between you and your current significant other, and sharing these details with someone you once had that same intimacy with is a violation of trust.

Even if you and your ex were once comfortable discussing sexual matters, the context has completely changed. What was once part of your shared intimate life is now off-limits. Your current partner deserves to have their privacy protected, and your ex doesn’t need to hear about what you’re doing with someone else in the bedroom.

If conversations with your ex naturally veer toward topics of intimacy, redirect them immediately. Maintain firm boundaries around this subject, and make it clear that your current relationship’s intimate aspects are not up for discussion. This boundary isn’t about being prudish; it’s about showing respect for everyone involved.

How Much You Miss Specific Things About Them

Telling your ex that you miss certain things about them while you’re in a new relationship sends completely mixed signals. This confession can make your ex think there’s still hope for reconciliation, or it might make them question whether you’ve truly moved on. Meanwhile, if your current partner found out you were expressing these sentiments to an ex, it would likely hurt them deeply and make them question your commitment.

Nostalgia is natural, and it’s normal to occasionally remember positive aspects of past relationships. However, sharing these nostalgic feelings with your ex serves no productive purpose. It doesn’t change the past, it complicates the present, and it potentially damages your future. If you’re genuinely missing things about your ex while in a new relationship, that’s something to explore with a therapist or trusted friend, not with the ex themselves.

Missing aspects of a past relationship doesn’t necessarily mean you want that person back—it might just mean you’re mourning the loss of certain experiences or feelings. Processing these emotions is important, but your ex shouldn’t be your sounding board for them.

All The Ways You Could Have Saved The Relationship

Discussing what could have prevented your breakup after you’ve already moved on is an exercise in futility that only stirs up painful emotions. According to relationship experts, sharing this information during the relationship might have been helpful, but bringing it up after you’ve both moved on does nothing more than create feelings of guilt, remorse, and regret.

When you talk about how things could have been different, you’re essentially saying, “I knew how to fix us, but I didn’t share it when it mattered.” This can be incredibly frustrating and hurtful for your ex, who might feel like you withheld crucial information that could have saved the relationship. It also raises questions about why you’re bringing this up now—are you trying to make them feel bad, or are you second-guessing your current relationship?

The past is past, and while learning from your mistakes is valuable, those lessons should inform your current and future relationships, not become topics of discussion with the person you’ve left behind. If you’ve gained insights about what went wrong, apply them moving forward rather than dwelling on what might have been.

How Miserable You Are Without Them

If you’re currently in a relationship with someone new, telling your ex how much you miss them or how miserable you are without them is not only inappropriate but also unfair to your current partner. This conversation essentially tells your ex that you haven’t moved on emotionally, which can give them false hope or confuse them about your intentions.

More importantly, if you’re genuinely miserable without your ex, why are you in a new relationship? This statement suggests you might not be emotionally available for your current partner, which isn’t fair to them. Your significant other deserves to be with someone who genuinely wants to be with them, not someone who’s pining after an ex.

If you’re experiencing genuine feelings of missing your ex while in a new relationship, that’s a red flag that needs addressing. It might indicate that you moved on too quickly before properly healing from your previous relationship. This is something to work through with a therapist or counselor, not something to confess to your ex while you’re supposedly committed to someone else.

How You’re A Different Person Now

Personal growth after a breakup is something to be celebrated, but boasting about it to your ex can come across as tactless and hurtful. If you’ve become a better version of yourself since your relationship ended, that’s wonderful—but telling your ex about it can seem like you’re rubbing their nose in the fact that you’ve improved since leaving them.

Your ex might interpret this as you saying, “I’m finally the person you needed me to be, but I’m giving that improved version to someone else.” This can be particularly painful if they spent time during your relationship hoping you would make these changes. What was once their hope for your relationship together is now someone else’s reality.

If you’ve genuinely transformed yourself, let your actions speak louder than your words. People who care about you, including your ex if you maintain a friendship, will notice the positive changes without you needing to announce them. Personal growth should be its own reward, not a bragging point or a way to prove something to an ex.

News About Your Mutual Friends

After a breakup, mutual friends often end up taking sides, and social circles can shift. If you’ve maintained most of the friend group and your ex has become somewhat isolated from your social circle, bringing up all the fun times you’re having with mutual friends is insensitive. This conversation topic serves no purpose other than to make your ex feel excluded and hurt.

Even if you’re not intentionally trying to hurt your ex’s feelings, constantly updating them about mutual friends—especially if they’re no longer included in those social activities—can feel like you’re highlighting their loss. Breakups are hard enough without the added pain of losing a friend group alongside a partner.

If you want to maintain a healthy, mature friendship with your ex, avoid topics that emphasize what they’ve lost in the breakup. If mutual friends come up naturally in conversation, keep it brief and inclusive. Better yet, focus on topics that don’t revolve around your shared past social life.

Your Deepest Thoughts And Feelings

When you were in a relationship with your ex, they were likely your confidant—the first person you turned to when you needed to share your innermost thoughts and feelings. However, once that romantic relationship ends, so does the automatic right to that level of emotional intimacy. Your ex is no longer the appropriate person to serve as your primary emotional support system.

Continuing to share your deepest thoughts and feelings with an ex while you’re in a new relationship can create several problems. First, it’s emotionally unfair to your current partner, who should be filling that role. Second, it maintains an inappropriate level of intimacy with your ex that can blur boundaries and create confusion about the nature of your relationship. Third, it prevents both you and your ex from fully moving on and establishing new, appropriate relationships.

This doesn’t mean you can’t ever have meaningful conversations with an ex, but the depth and frequency of these conversations should be significantly different from when you were together. Treat your ex as you would any other adult friend—with respect and appropriate boundaries. Save the intimate emotional sharing for your current partner or a therapist.

Whether Or Not You Really Loved Them

Questioning or revising the history of your feelings for your ex is not only cruel but also fundamentally dishonest. If you told your ex you loved them during your relationship and showed feelings consistent with that, going back later to claim you never really loved them is hurtful and serves no constructive purpose. This type of statement comes across as petty and suggests you’re trying to rewrite history to make yourself feel better about the breakup.

Even if your feelings have changed since the relationship ended, or you’ve gained perspective that makes you question what you felt, sharing these doubts with your ex is unnecessarily hurtful. What purpose does it serve to tell someone you once cared about that your feelings might not have been genuine? This kind of conversation can make your ex question their entire experience of the relationship and leave them with emotional scars.

The past is what it was, and attempting to revise it doesn’t change the reality of what you both experienced. If you’re having genuine doubts about whether you truly loved your ex, explore those feelings privately or with a therapist. Your ex doesn’t need to bear the burden of your retrospective analysis of your feelings.

Intimate Details About Why You Broke Up

If you’re now in a relationship with someone new and you’ve gained new insights into why your previous relationship failed, resist the urge to share these revelations with your ex. What might feel like helpful closure to you could reopen old wounds for them. Additionally, discussing your breakup in detail while you’re with someone new can signal that you haven’t fully moved on or that you’re still emotionally invested in your past relationship.

Your current partner might also be uncomfortable with you having deep, meaningful conversations with your ex about your past relationship. These discussions maintain an emotional connection that can threaten the primary bond you should be building with your current significant other. The energy you spend analyzing your past relationship is energy that could be better invested in nurturing your current one.

If your ex asks for closure or wants to discuss what went wrong, you can acknowledge the conversation politely without diving into extensive details. Keep your response brief, respectful, and focused on moving forward rather than dissecting the past. True closure comes from within, not from exhaustive post-mortem conversations about failed relationships.

Building Healthy Boundaries with Exes

Creating and maintaining healthy boundaries with an ex while you’re in a new relationship requires self-awareness, maturity, and respect for everyone involved. These boundaries aren’t about being cold or cutting your ex out of your life entirely—unless that’s what you need for your own wellbeing. Instead, they’re about recognizing that the nature of your relationship has fundamentally changed, and your communication should reflect that change.

Healthy boundaries might include limiting how often you communicate, avoiding certain topics of conversation, and being transparent with your current partner about your interactions with your ex. It’s also important to check your motivations: Are you maintaining contact with your ex because you genuinely value their friendship, or are you holding on to something from the past that’s preventing you from fully investing in your present?

Remember that your primary loyalty now lies with your current partner. While you don’t need to cut off all contact with your ex to prove your commitment, you do need to ensure that your interactions with your former partner don’t disrespect or threaten your current relationship. When in doubt, ask yourself how you would feel if your current partner had the same conversation with their ex. This perspective can help you gauge whether you’re crossing a line.

Frequently Asked Questions

Q: Is it okay to be friends with an ex while in a new relationship?

A: Yes, it’s possible to maintain a friendship with an ex while in a new relationship, but it requires clear boundaries, transparency with your current partner, and a genuine platonic friendship rather than unresolved romantic feelings. Both you and your current partner should feel comfortable with the level of contact and communication you maintain with your ex.

Q: How do I know if I’m sharing too much with my ex?

A: If you’re sharing information with your ex that you wouldn’t want your current partner to know about, or if you’re discussing topics that create emotional intimacy beyond appropriate friendship boundaries, you’re likely sharing too much. Ask yourself if your conversations would make your current partner uncomfortable—that’s usually a good indicator.

Q: What should I do if my ex tries to discuss inappropriate topics?

A: Politely but firmly redirect the conversation to more appropriate topics. You can say something like, “I don’t think that’s something we should discuss anymore” or “I’m not comfortable talking about that.” If your ex continues to push boundaries despite your requests, you may need to reduce contact or end the friendship entirely.

Q: Should I tell my current partner everything I discuss with my ex?

A: While you don’t need to provide a word-for-word transcript of every conversation, you should be transparent about the nature and frequency of your communication with your ex. If something significant comes up or if your ex crosses a boundary, definitely share that with your current partner. Honesty builds trust.

Q: How can I support my ex without crossing boundaries?

A: You can offer the same level of support you would provide to any friend—being a good listener, offering general advice, or providing practical help when appropriate. However, avoid becoming their primary emotional support system or engaging in the deep, intimate conversations that characterize romantic relationships. Encourage them to build a broader support network.

Q: What if I still have feelings for my ex while in a new relationship?

A: If you’re experiencing genuine romantic feelings for your ex while committed to someone new, it’s important to address this honestly. Consider whether you moved on too quickly before healing from your previous relationship. This situation may require professional guidance from a therapist and honest conversations with yourself about what you really want.