They/Them Pronouns: Meaning, Usage, and Respectful Guide

What Are They/Them Pronouns?

They/them pronouns are gender-neutral pronouns used to refer to a person without specifying their gender. Many people who identify outside the binary of male or female (such as nonbinary, genderqueer, or genderfluid individuals) may ask others to use they/them when referring to them. These pronouns offer a way to address individuals respectfully, affirming their gender identity and promoting inclusivity.

• They/them/theirs: Used in place of he/him/his or she/her/hers for a single person.
• Example: “Jordan finished their project early, and they are excited to share it.”
• People may use multiple sets of pronouns or change pronouns across different contexts. Never assume—always ask.

Why Do Pronouns Matter?

Using a person’s correct pronouns is a fundamental way to show respect for their identity. Language shapes our perceptions, and the words we use can affirm or undermine someone’s self-understanding. For those whose gender identity does not fit into the traditional male or female categories, having their pronouns recognized and used appropriately is a critical part of feeling seen, validated, and respected.

• Assuming pronouns based on appearance can send a harmful message that one must “look” a certain way to be a particular gender. Sharing and asking for pronouns disrupts these assumptions.
• For nonbinary and gender-nonconforming individuals, they/them pronouns allow for identity to be honored without being forced into the male/female binary.
• Regularly sharing pronouns (e.g., in introductions, email signatures, or name tags) normalizes asking and sharing, reducing stigma for those who most need it.

The History of Singular ‘They’

The use of they as a singular pronoun is not new. In fact, English speakers have used singular ‘they’ since the 14th century, often to refer to someone whose gender is unknown or irrelevant.² For example: “Someone left their umbrella. I hope they come back for it.” Modern dictionaries, style guides, and professional organizations have in recent years explicitly recognized this usage.

• Historical examples: Literary works by Chaucer, Shakespeare, and Austen use singular ‘they.’
• In contemporary English, “they” serves as an efficient, non-gendered solution where the gender of a person is unknown or to avoid awkward he/she constructions.
• Recent developments: Major style guides, including APA, MLA, and the Chicago Manual of Style, endorse or allow the use of singular they/them when referring to individuals.

How to Use They/Them Pronouns Correctly

Using they/them pronouns grammatically is straightforward—they follow the same rules as the plural ‘they,’ even when used to refer to an individual. Here are some guidelines and examples to help make their use second nature.

Basic Examples

• “Sam forgot their notebook. They will pick it up later.”
• “Someone left their bag in the classroom. Could you return it to them?”
• “Each student should bring their own lunch if they want to eat at noon.”

Table: Subject, Object, Possessive, Reflexive Forms

Grammatical Notes

• Even when referring to a single person, “they” is paired with plural verbs: “They are going to the store,” not “They is going to the store.”
• Both “themselves” and “themself” are used, but many people using they/them pronouns prefer “themself.”

Common Myths and Misconceptions

Despite the longstanding history and increasing recognition of they/them pronouns, several misconceptions persist. Here are frequent myths and the facts that dispel them:

• Myth: “They” can’t refer to a single person.
  Fact: Singular they has been used for centuries; it is standard in modern English.
• Myth: Using they/them for an individual is ungrammatical.
  Fact: Leading language authorities and style guides affirm its grammaticality.
• Myth: It’s too confusing or difficult to learn.
  Fact: It may take practice, but most people adapt quickly. Mistakes are normal; what matters is making the effort and correcting yourself when needed.

Respecting and Supporting People Who Use They/Them Pronouns

Respecting someone’s pronouns is an essential part of affirming their identity and promoting psychological well-being. Misgendering (using the wrong pronouns) can lead to feelings of invisibility, distress, and exclusion. Here’s how you can be an ally:

• Ask, don’t assume: Never guess someone’s pronouns based on appearance or name. When in doubt, politely ask or listen to how others refer to them.
• Normalize introductions: Share your own pronouns (“Hi, I’m Alex, and I use he/him pronouns”) in meetings, classes, and on name tags. This makes it easier for others to do the same.
• Use the correct pronouns: Practicing using they/them pronouns with intent; correct yourself if you make a mistake, and apologize briefly without making it about you.
• Educate yourself: Learn about pronouns and language practices that support gender diversity. Resources such as guides from LGBTQ+ organizations are available to offer further learning.

When Someone Shares Their Pronouns

When a person lets you know their pronouns, it is a gesture of trust and an invitation to refer to them respectfully. Here’s how to respond:

• Thank them for sharing and remember to use the pronouns going forward.
• If you don’t understand or are unsure about how to use a pronoun in a sentence, ask for clarification, or refer to educational resources for guidance.
• If you forget or make a mistake, correct it quickly and move on; prolonged apologies can put the burden on the person you misgendered.

What To Do If You Make a Mistake

Everyone makes mistakes, especially when learning something new. What matters most is how you respond:

• Apologize simply (“Sorry, I meant they.”) and move on. Over-explaining can shift focus and burden.
• Practice using the correct pronouns in your head or with supportive friends.
• Stay open to feedback and commit to improving.

Addressing Resistance and Having Productive Conversations

Some may resist using they/them pronouns for a variety of reasons, such as unfamiliarity or personal beliefs. Approaching conversations about pronouns with patience and a willingness to inform can bridge misunderstandings:

• Share information about the history and legitimacy of singular they usage in English.
• Emphasize that respecting pronouns is about valuing the dignity and autonomy of every person.
• Avoid debates about grammar or ideology; focus on the impact and well-being of real people.

Troubleshooting Pronouns in Complex Sentences

Using they/them in more complicated grammatical constructions can sometimes feel tricky, but with exposure and practice, it gets easier. Here are some tips:

• Gender-neutral language: Substitute “he or she” with “they.” For example, “If someone calls, tell them I’ll call them back.”
• Avoid redundancy: Use they/them as you would any pronoun, without extra explanations.
• Pronoun consistency: Stay consistent within a sentence and throughout the conversation or documentation.

Why They/Them Can Be Empowering

Choosing and sharing personal pronouns, including they/them, is an act of self-determination. For nonbinary people in particular, having access to pronouns that reflect their identity can be liberating and validating. It signals to others that their gender does not have to fit expectations or stereotypes.

• Well-being: Affirming pronouns contribute to improved mental health, confidence, and comfort in social situations.
• Community: When workplaces, schools, and organizations use pronouns correctly, they foster environments where everyone belongs.

They/Them Pronouns and Mental Health

Research has shown that LGBTQ+ youth whose pronouns are respected by most people in their lives have:

• Lower risks of depression and suicidal thoughts.
• Increased levels of self-esteem and feelings of acceptance.
• A stronger sense of agency over their identities and lives.

Conversely, persistent misgendering can contribute to high levels of stress, anxiety, and a sense of alienation.

Frequently Asked Questions About They/Them Pronouns

Do only nonbinary people use they/them pronouns?

No. While many nonbinary individuals use they/them, some cisgender or binary-identified people may also prefer these pronouns for a variety of reasons, including privacy, comfort, or to challenge gender norms.

Is it grammatically correct to use they/them for one person?

Yes. The singular they has a long history in English and is endorsed by major style guides and dictionaries.

What if I don’t know someone’s pronouns?

Use their name, or default to they/them until you can ask. Avoid making assumptions, and listen for cues from how others refer to them.

Do I need to include my pronouns even if I’m cisgender?

Yes, sharing pronouns normalizes the practice for everyone, reduces stigma, and makes it easier for transgender and nonbinary folks to do the same without standing out.

What about other gender-neutral pronouns?

Some people may use alternatives such as ze/hir or other neopronouns. Always ask and use the pronouns someone requests.

Additional Tips for Allies

• Practice using people’s pronouns in low-pressure scenarios (e.g., writing sample sentences).
• Encourage institutions you belong to—schools, workplaces, teams—to incorporate pronoun sharing as a routine part of interactions.
• Respect confidentiality. Never “out” someone by sharing their pronouns or gender history without permission.
• Stay updated with resources from LGBTQ+ advocacy organizations for best practices.

Resources for Further Learning

• Pronouns.org – Guides to they/them and other pronouns
• GLSEN Pronoun Guide
• APA and MLA Style Guides on Gender-Inclusive Language
• LGBTQ+ community centers and educational resources

Summary

They/them pronouns are a simple, powerful way to respect people’s identities, foster inclusion, and support mental well-being. By learning to use these pronouns confidently and making space for everyone to share how they wish to be addressed, individuals and communities create environments where all can thrive.